Okay, friends, I have a feeling I am going to be doing a lot of ranting in the upcoming weeks. There are just a lot of things about people that piss me off (#sorrynotsorry…also #sorrynotsorry for that obnoxious hashtag). I will try to space out the publishing of these rants so that they don’t interrupt my normal content too much. But please feel free to leave me your honest thoughts in the comments. I promise I will respond!
Today’s Rant: Do not ask women (any women!) when they are going to be having kids.
Literally, the number two question I am asked when chatting with well-meaning strangers/acquaintances/Facebooky friends (after “How’s Squirt?”) is “When are you guys going to have number two?” Kind of like the first question I got from said group of people before Squirt was born: “When are you guys going to have kids?” I have SO MANY problems with these questions. So I made a list.
- First and foremost, it is noneya damn business. For reals. Think about the questions being asked here. Do you want to know the last time my husband and I banged without using protection? Do you want an inside look at the state of my uterus? Do you want a report from my OB? Like seriously, you might as well ask me the last time I pooped and if I have regular bowel movements. It’s basically the same thing.
- I don’t feel like explaining to you my (and Matt’s) totally legitimate reasons for not wanting another kid. Trust me, we’ve talked about it. A lot. And right now, it’s not for us. Just take my word for it, we have our reasons, and I don’t feel like explaining them to you. If we change our minds and decide to have number two, you can find out about it on Facebook like the rest of the world.
- How do you know we are not already trying? If you take away nothing else from this post, let it be this: Most people do not broadcast to the world when they are trying to conceive, let alone if they are trying to conceive and it’s not working. So there is a good chance that the woman you are asking these questions of is trying to get pregnant. Maybe she can’t. Maybe it’s taking longer than she wants. Maybe she just had a miscarriage. Maybe she just peed on her 800th stick this morning and it was negative. Maybe trying to get pregnant has been a painful experience for her and SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
- You don’t know more about my life and family than my husband and me. Don’t try to convince me to have another kid because you think it’s the right thing to do. Are you going to pay for said kid to go to college? Are you going to carry him or her around for nine months and then have major surgery to get him or her out (Oh, you didn’t know in order for me to have another child I would have to have another C-section? Didn’t ask about that?)? Are you going to be up every three hours for three months feeding and changing my newborn? Will you be there to break up the fights between Squirt and that sibling he NEEDED to have? If you answered no to any of those questions, then you don’t get a vote.
- Do you want to be asked super personal questions? I’m not going to go up to every 60ish woman I see and ask her how menopause is going, and I imagine most people would probably agree with that. What’s happening in my body is between me and my husband.
I understand that the vast majority of people asking these questions mean well and do not have harmful intentions. I promise that I do get that. I know for a fact that I have asked these questions myself. And if you are one of the dozens of people who has asked me these questions, I don’t hold it against you, and I’m not mad at you. I am, however, tired of explaining very private family situations to people who don’t know me well enough to earn an explanation (now seems like a good time to add that if we are legit friends, like hang out and know real shit about each other, this post does not apply to you). And I am tired of women being subjected to these questions when trying to conceive has been difficult for them. I did not have trouble getting pregnant, and I am so thankful for that. But I did have a miscarriage very early on in our getting pregnant experience (I just had to stop myself from writing “journey”, bleh). And when I had the miscarriage, like five people knew about it. So when it had been a month since I lost the baby and people were asking me when I was going to have kids, it sucked. And they didn’t know, and so I get it, but the whole situation could have been avoided if they hadn’t asked in the first place.
So the next time you are chatting with a newlywed or parents with one young child and you get the urge to pry, check yo self. If they want you to know about their future plans, they’ll tell you. Maybe instead of asking when baby number two is coming, you should ask when you can babysit baby number one. I promise, that question will be much better received.