This is going to be a bit of a departure from what I normally write and post on the blog so while I hope you read it (I wouldn’t post something I didn’t want you to read, after all), I totally understand if you decide not to. In less than two months, I’m going to be turning 32. To me, that sounds old. I’m sure to many out there it doesn’t. I’m not ashamed of my age (certainly doesn’t hurt that most people think I am still in my late twenties) and I don’t feel unaccomplished. At (almost) age 32, I am a wife, a mother, and a homeowner. I have a college degree, a stable career and a hobby that I am passionate about. Most days I feel fulfilled in so many ways. I know that I am lucky; I also know that I worked really hard to get where I am today. I have goals for the future and I know I will work hard to accomplish those goals as I have every goal I have set in my life. I am happy. And I’m not just saying that because I should be happy. I truly am. But there is one hurdle in my life, one I have faced since I hit puberty at a very early age. And it’s a hurdle that I just don’t know how to overcome. And I am so ready to put this freakin hurdle behind me. And I have a feeling it is a hurdle many of you might have faced, or are still facing, yourselves.
I am still so uncomfortable with my own body. And I have been for so long. I feel ridiculous that at (almost) 32, I still look at most pictures of myself and think Ugh. And I am so over it. Looking back on Squirt’s first year of life, there are so few pictures of him and I together, especially when he was first born. And how much does that suck? Those are moments that we will never get back. And while I will certainly always remember them, there is little photographic evidence of those times. Because I don’t like how I look in pictures. Lame. But how do I go about ridding my brain of those kinds of thoughts when I have been thinking them for over twenty years? That’s a legitimate question. Seriously, if you have the answer, please let me know.
This is NOT one of those “please tell me how pretty you think I am” posts. I understand (logically) that most people look at pictures of me and think I look fine. Maybe even good. Some might even say great. The problem is that I am not one of those people. And I should be. I am a pretty kickass person. I can freely admit that my personality is awesome. I think I’m hilarious (much funnier than my husband). I know I’m intelligent. I’m a great wife and mother. And yet, all it takes is one picture of me with a bit of a muffin top or a slight double chin and I suddenly feel so very small (and not the kind of small that makes you think damn, I look good!). And when I start feeling down on myself, I don’t go for a run or whip up a salad. I grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and have at it.
So not only do these feelings affect me adversely in a mental capacity, they are damaging to my physical health as well. So I’m calling bullshit. On myself. I’m not going to lie to you readers, I don’t know how to reverse these thoughts in my brain. It has been so long, I’m not sure they will ever fully go away. But I am going to try. And my first step is a new little project, one I am going to call Accept Your Selfie (I’m sure someone else has already come up with this clever title, so I apologize to anyone who thinks they may have come up with this phrase, hopefully whoever you are you didn’t take the time to trademark it). Originally I was going to vow to post one selfie a day on Instagram for a month, but honestly, I’m not going to do that. There are going to be days that I am busy or sick or being a mom or whatever, and I don’t want to make a vow I cannot keep. I will vow to post at least three a week. No filters, no retouching, no taking a million shots until I get just the right angle. Just me. And the real vow is that I promise to not beat myself up for them. I WILL NOT be critical of the pictures that I post. I will understand that they are a representation of me and I am awesome. I would like to rid my brain of at least some of the negative thoughts by my 32ndbirthday (July 23rd). I’m not asking you readers for compliments or even support. What I would like is for you to hold me accountable. If I start slacking on the selfies, call me out. If my angles start looking a little artsy fartsy and not showing the real me, call me out. I can take it. I don’t know that this is going to help or change anything within me, but I think it’s worth a shot. I will promise to update you when my birthday rolls around, and I will promise, as always, to be completely honest. I also promise, no matter what, to never buy a selfie stick.
If you made it this far, thanks for hanging out and reading. I truly appreciate every single person who stops by the blog. Y’all are awesome. I keep typing and erasing here because I want to say something profound, but nothing is coming to the page (screen). So thanks again for reading, and now back to our regularly schedule programming.